Tuesday, February 20, 2018


Hidup pasca-moden ni kadang tu penuh dengan stress. Saya tak tahula zaman dulu-dulu macam mana? Macam tak stress aje. Saya tengok nenek sayalah, releks aje life dia. Tak adalah macam saya ni. Dah masuk 40an pun sekolah tak habis lagi. Jadi pada n3 kali ini saya masukkanlah cerita macam mana saya survive dalam alam persekolahan yang tough dan mencabar pada peringkat pasca-ijazah-pertama. Essei yang disertakan di bawah, saya tulis sebagai salah-satu tugasan yang diberikan pada semester sudah.

Tak sedikit yang mencebik tika saya mulakan perjalanan ini sepuluh tahun yang lalu, sekarang ini dah lebih separuh berjalan, syukur dengan izin Allah, berserta perancangan yang baik, sokongan keluarga dan teman-teman, ianya sebuah perjalanan yang nak kata sunyi tak juga, nak kata susah, sampai berguling nak bunuh diri atau bunuh-bunuh orang, wish-wish orang, "sila meninggal" tu memang tak ada pernah rasa,lah.  Kira ok la, bolehlah. Alhamdullillah.

My experience in Managing Risk of Getting Schizophrenia Relapse while Completing Post-graduate Courses

Upon accepting an offer to further education at master level in an establish university in Malaysia I am clueless about risk and risk management process, somehow instinct tells me to layout some plan and precaution as a safeguard from getting mental illness. I am suffering schizophrenia remission and I am afraid that I suffer relapses[1], which often lead to hospitalisation that unable me to complete my study. I have discussed the possibility of relapses with my medical doctor and he told me the chances is small provided I strictly adhere to recovery programme prescribed and quickly consulted him if I have suffer symptom of relapses. For heathy candidate, I believe students are not aware of challenges such as pressure and deadline, lead to mental health problem. However, studies conduct locally and abroad shows that mental problem such as loneliness, neurosis, depression, suicidal ideation does happen among university students.
In Denmark, a study conducted on 26,000 students from 70 colleges and university shows 6% of undergraduates and 4% of graduate students had seriously considered suicidal ideations and especially the male graduates were at high risk to commit suicide (Drum, et. al 2009). Even though suicidal ideation is not critical level among local student based on study conduct by Mustafa et al (2013), tendency to think toward it, referring  to the scores on respondent’s answers, intervention measures to prevent it from getting worst and eventually translated in suicidal action should be given an appropriate attention. Apart from that, study by Nordin et al (2009) which conducted among 1,468 undergraduate student from five university in Malaysia, revealed that a total of 65.6% of them are mentally healthy and 34.4% experiencing mental health  problems such as loneliness, neuroticism and extraversion personality. This indicate every students with or without mental history are exposed to risk of mental illness while pursuing a scholarly journey even though the percentage is small. Besides, according to (Azizan, Razali, Pillai, 2013) mental health is common and can affect anyone.
There are so many types of mental illness but this essay will focus on relapses. It is defined as a worsening of psychopathological symptom or re hospitalization in years after hospital discharge (Almond et al 2004). Relapses is often fear by schizophrenia patient and their family even while on treatment because according to Piggot et al (2003) it may result  hospitalisation, treatment resistance, cognitive impairment due to progressive structural brain damage, personal distress, incarceration and interference with rehabilitation efforts. This essay will focus on risk, peril and hazard of relapse and cost associated to it. It also touch on effect on inducement in risk minimisation and risk management policy. Lastly, this essay will illustrate Grid-group Cultural Theory in examining my attitude toward risk. How I view and think of the world, and how I think those differ from me, face the world.

2.0   Risk, Peril, hazard and Cost of Relapse

Discussion on risk, peril and hazard factor only focus on relapses. Relapses statistic among schizophrenia patient is high. According to Zubin et al., (1992) only about 22% of those who experienced one psychotic episode and improved, did show positive sign, while the rest continued to experience recurrent relapse of the psychotic episodes with different degrees of impairment in between. Kaplan et al., (1994) supports more than 50% of the patients with schizophrenia have poor outcome. This include repeated hospitalizations and symptom exacerbation.

·                                        Risk
            With the above not so welcoming statistic, the adverse outcome of my decision in enrolling for post-graduate studies is so apparent. Instead of a getting a scroll for master degree, I may end-up being hospitalised. (Vaughan and Vaughan 2014) define risk as a condition in which there is a possibility of an adverse deviation from a desired outcome that is expected or hoped for. Therefore, rehospitalisation because of losing the sanity of mind is my risk of continue study at master level.

·                                        Peril and hazard
 Now let us look at peril and hazard. Vaughn, (1997) stated that both terms are often used interchangeably with each other in risk discussion. According to him, peril is a cause of loss, and hazard is a condition that may create or increase the chance of loss arising from the peril.
In most of relapse cases, peril is discontinue of treatment because the patient believe that they have cured or may be due to forgetfulness. They purposely discontinue the ongoing assessment, not attending the psychiatric unit for follow up visits. Relapse may be caused by stress full life event. University life is very stress full with exams, test and back to back assignment due date. Apart from that opting to study in part times basis, causing me to juggle between work and studies add on stress to life. Poor result in a test or assessment also making life as student becoming more stressful.
            Whereby hazard, is factors that may create or increase the chance of relapse. Adding more stress to life, such lack of planning, high expectation, unable to control emotion is hazardous act when decide to enrol in post-graduate study. Extra stress can come from lack of planning include lack of discipline in completing the task and assignment according to schedule, last minutes revision and postponing doing assignment to the end of due date. Apart from that, putting high expectation in exam result also add in more stress to life if the result is not par to the expectation. Lastly, poor emotional management also causes stress to be pile-up. Example, getting jealous when other student get good mark then us, easily upset when other people ignore us or don’t listen to us or when people critic or give negative comment on us. Another example, thinking too much about others may think about us also cause to emotional imbalance.

·                                        Cost
When a patient experience relapse, they incurred medical cost in term of hospitalisation and if the patient has to be hospitalised for a long time, the do not able to go to work. I have suffer one relapse episode in my medical history, but I did not count the loss in monetary value that I have incurred.
Luckily as a civil servant I am entitle for 180 day medical leave and I was only be hospitalised for 2 weeks and was not able to go to work for a month. If the hospitalisation took longer than 180 days, my employer can put me into medical board and lose my job if the board report I cannot work anymore. Luckily, that does not happened during my relapse experience in 2003.
I hope I do not suffer any relapse again. I have identify several inducement factor in helping me reduce the chances getting relapse not only during the completion of master degree, but for the rest of my life. The next point will discuss the effect on this inducement on reducing the risk of getting relapse.

3.0  Effect of Inducement in reducing risk
In order to avoid relapses from happening, I list down here several inducement factor, which help me from avoiding getting relapse not only during my study but also for a lifetime I divide it personal inducement and environmental inducement.
·                     Personal Inducement
An inducement factor, which make it, lessen the probability of relapse from happening. It include factor like adherence to recovery programme, religious ritual & Hobbies and employment. Firstly, adherence to programme such as counselling, psychotherapy or antipsychotic medication is important role in relapses prevention. Most of relapse cases is due to withdrawal from the programme prescribe to patient. Strictly adhere to the program is one of the key success in a journey to recovery.
               Secondly, religious ritual and hobbies help improve the condition. Religion is also about positive value, love and avoiding prejudices. Apart from that religious ritual like reciting Quran, help to feel me, not matter how hard life is, God is always there for each one of us. For hobbies, I keep a journal as I like writing; I took up painting to keep me busy if I do not have anything to do.
Lastly, having a job boost self-esteem. If I am not earning for my living I feel guilty for not able to help my family to find extra income. Instead, they have to support me. This make me feel stressful and feeling bad about myself. By being employed and able to fund for my education and provide little cash to my family make me happy less stress full and improve my mental health condition. It also good to see that we are able to go on family trip and the fact that I contribute in funding the trip make me happy and feel more confident in taking care of my family rather then they have to watch me all the time. I am also very lucky because as an auditor I am assigned in a small group. I do not have to be secretive about my illness because one of the senior suffer anxiety. He lead a normal life, so when I told them I am with schizophrenia, they are indifferent toward me and show no sign of stigmatization. I believe they already have successes story of the anxiety patient, therefor having a schizo who currently read master degree in forensic accounting, is not a big deal to them.

·                     Environment Inducement
Environment inducement are factor that are within my surrounding that making it less likely for relapse to occur. There several factor in the environment that protect me from relapse, which include family and peer support, and mental health services.
               Support from family are the most important thing in avoiding relapse. Family especially my mother show support and not only give advice and encouragement. My mother will stay with me to help me tend my need like making daily chore such as cook for me, and clean the house for me if I am too busy preparing for my exam. She will be with me for during my exam week look after me, watch out if I am too stress out, ensures I study, sleep and eat well.
               Apart from that, peer support also help me a lot. I have friend to support and comfort me. They wish me good luck when never I have exams or test. Sometimes if I perform well in my test or exam, friend will give a treat like buying me kueh or having coffee. Sometimes, we went out for lunch and talk about studies, people that have hurt us, gossiping about local artist and talk about hobbies. The indiscrimination shows by my friend make feel happy and more confident in finishing my studies with have to suffer any difficulties in my mental health condition.
               Lastly, mental health services available here in Putrajaya is the best. They give me counselling and advice to reduce stress, how to take care for me. They give advice especially to my mom and family how to watch out for relapse symptom to enable them supervising me better. It include in reading material and face-to-face consultation. Apart from that, they also monitor my physical heath. Once a year I have to undergone full medical assessment to ensure my physical wellbeing.

4.0  Risk Management Policy
Nowadays, most well establish organisation have consider risk management fundamental to be incorporated in their corporate governance. This is because effective risk management will provide an essential contribution towards achieving organisation strategic and operational objective and goal. Risk Management policy is formulated so that better-informed decision and operational & strategic objectives can be achieved. The policy sets out organisation’s approach to risk and its management together with the means for identifying, analysing and managing risk in order to minimise its frequency and impact.
            However, as an individual, even though I do not set proper written policy in regard of managing the risk in my daily life, as a human I believe each of us have spontaneous way of dealing with risk according to our attitude, culture background and upbringing. The following part of the essay will discuss further on attitude toward risk based on Grid-Group Cultural theory model.

5.0  Grid-Group Cultural Theory Model

In this essay, Grid-Group Cultural is used model helps to understand other people, which may be different, form me. Understanding of others do minimises conflict from time to time and less conflict can reduce stress significantly and beneficial for mental health wellbeing.  This model also help in looking at different perspective of different type of individual see the world.
Grid-group cultural theory cultural model developed by anthropologists Mary Douglas, Michael Thompson, and Steve Rayner. Also by political scientists Aaron Wildavsky and Richard Ellis, and others also contribute to these theory. At first, history of grid and group cultural theory, written by Mary Douglas  grid look like follows when she inserted the three Cultural Heroes drawn by Christian Brunner:-

Douglas refer them as “[A] the stern bureaucrat with his briefcase, [B] The smug pioneer with his pickaxe and [C] the holy man with his halo. According to Douglas, they exemplify Max Weber’s three types of rationality: bureaucracy, market, and religious charisma. Douglas start with top right quadrant when society becoming more complex, peoples who live in a social environment where they are equally free of group pressure and of structural constraints. Everything has to be negotiated ad hoc becoming to regulation that is more comprehensive the groups, they becoming more hierarchical in nature. With roles and regulation are ascribed, behaviour governed by positional rules, forming constituent groups contained within a comprehensive larger group. Its cultural bias supports tradition and order. Roles are ascribed according to birth, gender, or family, and ranked according to function and tradition. We originally called this sector “hierarchy” in the sense of a rational system.
The left and the bottom right are the opposite of the top grids. Douglas explain the bottom right hand side, is a kind of community that also features a strongly bounded group with no ranking or grading rules for the relations between its members unlike in the top right grid. They surmised that it would be suitable for a community of dissidents. Leaders of a sect support group boundaries by declaring all outsiders evil. Dealing with internal dissent is difficult for them: withdrawn from and outside the main society. They cannot invoke the law to punish their offenders. Their only penalty for disaffection is expulsion but they do not want to use it. The danger of defection is why sectarian groups tend to have a black-and-white vision of the world. The enclave community tends to be egalitarian because it repudiates the inequalities of the rejected outside world.
Douglas continue to explain on extreme individualism, of bottom left, in the quadrant which are both weak in group controls and in grid controls whereby the main form of control that is available here is by competition based on merit. They only concerned with private benefit. It has a principle an egalitarian society, but as it defers to wealth and power, it fails to realise its egalitarian ideals. Lastly Douglas left quadrant one open to discussions. She describe it as strong grid control without any group membership. It could be a slave, soldier, the very poor people or the Queen of England herself. In addition, some individuals who avoids responsibility and pressure such hermit or the monk may fit into this culture. They are free and isolated because they are alone, attract no attention, no one asks for their opinion or takes them seriously in argument because of their reputation for apathy. Over the time, the quadrant changes and we have following grid:-


The above quadrant was designed in order to show how native rituals and practices were relevant to modern society. This model has two dimensions, measuring the degree to which individuals in a population tend to associate in social groups and form cooperative societies. It is dived into Group and Grid

·        Group

The group dimension describes how strongly people are bonded together. The left end there shows distinct separated individuals. Even though they have common reason to be together, but they have less sense of unity and connection. At the right end, people are connected in term of identity related more deeply and personally together. They have stable relationships and the also spend more time together. As such, they form a group and imposed or formulate laws, rule, regulation and policy. Strong bonding allows for central control where high group managing the resources.

·        Grid

The grid dimension describes how different people are in the group and how they take on different roles. At one end of this spectrum, people are relatively homogeneous in their abilities, work and activity and can easily interchange roles. This makes them less dependent on one another. At the other end, there are distinct roles and positions within the group with specialization and different accountability. There are also different degrees of entitlement, depending on position and there may well be a different balance of exchange between and across individuals. This makes it advantageous to share and organize together.
·        The model
The model is a two-by-two table forming four quadrant. From the quadrant, Michael Thompson add the “hermit” as 'fifth' non-chart ritual and practices. The pattern then identified as follows:-
·         The diagonal of affirmation: Individualists and Hierarchies
  • The diagonal of withdrawal: Fatalists and Egalitarianisms
  • Social democracy: Hierarchists and Egalitarianism.
  • American individualism: Individualists and Egalitarianism.
  • State capitalism: Individualists and Hierarchists.
  • Totalitarianism: Fatalists and Hierarchists.

The attitude toward risk are as follows:-
·         Fatalism: view risk as danger which give no gain to them
·         Hierarchy: they will managed the risk
·         Individualism: see risk as an opportunity
·         Egalitarian: will tried to balance the risk delicately
Whereas, hermit is an individual who retreat from whatever culture exist. They will interact with other when necessary.

6.0        Different perspective in facing the world and Attitude toward risk
To understand my own attitude toward risk, I asked good friend to look at the grid and group Model and asked a question “which quadrant I belong to?” He told me that I am an egalitarian. My dear friend look at me as an egalitarian because he say I like to help people. I do not like protocol. Sometimes voice-up my opinion critically on post-modern Malay lifestyle and government policy. Post-modern life is my own term for Malay that either too hooked-up with hedonist lifestyle from western culture or those who are so engross with Arabian culture that they see those who do  not look like them, will go straight to hell. However, I always think I am a fatalist or more of a hermit, but with recovery programme that I have gone through, I see myself fit in hierarchy quadrant.
Personally, I believe that I am a risk adverse person. If I would, I will avoid taking risk. However, with the help of family, friend and programme that I follow, I am I willing to take some risk. Good people that around me teach and guide me how to managed risk. Sometime I totally avoid risk; sometime I do take risk, as I understand high risk associated with high return and we have to accept that the moment we step out of the door of our home risk is waiting for us. We can stay indoor all the time, with the care and support of family, but my mother want me to stay out the home, make some friends, get a job and make a living. Besides living as a hermit sometimes dull and boring.
Sometime I wish that I could be a hermit, where all my need is attend by the loves one, but sadly to say in my case I have to make a living on my own, facing unknown adverse outcome that I do not wish to happen. Some people say no man is an island and my mother teach me good Malay girl is the one who are friendly and know how to respect other people and know how to mix around. Even though I am already 44 years old, my mother never tired “to teach” me how to be courteous, how be more helpful and respectful to other, especially to older people and children. However, I found mixing around is very stressful. I always wish can be like a monk, stay at the top of the hill, but as I am not coming from a rich family I have to go to work and make a living. As a hermit or fatalist, how do I think of the world, the answers always, “WHY BOTHER”? Everything is predetermined. I am not here to change the world, but I may tell those who are close to me, “not too worrying too much about what had happened and what is going to happen in the world”.  All we have to do is concentrate on our health and wellbeing. If we think, too much about others, we end up heaving so little time improving ourselves.
As on how others see the world, and how they face the world, I have very little idea on it, and I took what Mary Douglas et.al write-up as mention in previous point as a reference. According to them, people divide into 5 group, which are hermit, fatalist, hierarchy, individualist, and egalitarian. Different group of people face the world differently.
Firstly, a hermit do not really care about other people, they are a loner and they withdrew themselves form the society, and risk adverse. Secondly, a fatalist feels everything is predetermined. No matter what he or she does, or does not do, the outcome is the same. They are sometimes do not show any emotion even toward frightening circumstances. They think risk is harmful and stay away from it.
Third, the hierarchy culture, people are strongly connected yet are very different. Due to bondage, they developed institutions, hierarchies and laws in regulating individual action and provide for weaker social members. Hierarchies look at risk as something that need to be managed. They formulate policy and process in dealing with risk.
Fourth, an individualist. People are relatively similar yet have little obligation to one another. People enjoy their differences more than their similarities and seek to avoid central authority they are self-regulate individual, they do not follows norm and the see risk as opportunity to expend or be more successful.
Lastly, egalitarian. There are less central rule compare to hierarchy in this culture. However, they requires individuals to help others voluntarily. The rule is thus less about law and more about values.  Similarity in individuals are essential as similarity that leads people to agree and adopt similar values. Those who do not agree with the value will ejected out. Thus egalitarian can be said as ideal utopia, can only survive in smaller groups, and very rare. Their view about risk is trying to balance it out risk delicately.

7.0  Conclusion

Decision to enrol in post-graduate studies is never easy. It require a lot of commitment. It come with big risk and big reward as well because risk have direct relationship with reward. Careful consideration should be given when risk come to the picture. A number of student facing mental problem in the university even though is small is worth taking into consideration when decide to enrol to the courses. In this essay, I have put forward a risk of getting relapse while completing my master degree. It discuss on risk, peril and hazard, cost of getting relapse, inducement, my attitude toward risk and how I view the world and how those who are different from me view the world. No one could predict what is going to happened during their studies in the university, but learning more about risk, able to put thing into different perspective make me becoming more confident in the decision that I have made.

[1] Symptom of mental illness worsen which often lead to hospitalisation and other serious consequences – Understand Mental Relapse http://www.choicesinrecovery.com/strategies-for-success/mental-health-relapse.html

Wednesday, February 14, 2018

Kumpulan Makcik Marhaban?

Sepanjang saya tidak menulis ini, ada juga perkara yang sama sekali tak saya sangka telah berlaku pada kawan baik saya. Saya berkenalan dengannya masa saya secara tak sengaja terjebak dalam perang hate-love dengan budak-budak sastera penyelamat negara. “love-hate sastera negara ni istilah saya aje menunjuk sekumpulan masa tu belia yang kini mungkin dah not-so belia, (sudah masuk orang matang barangkali) yang passionate dengan dunia persuratan Melayu, pasca-moden. Bolehla kita nak kata sekumpulan pemikir melayu moden, kot. 

Secara tak sengaja tertulis di sana dan kena balunla kaw-kaw punya sebab saya tika itu kerani-cabuk gomen je. Derang dalam situ, ada medical Doktorlah, saintislah, engineerlah macam-macam profesion yang hebat-hebat. Saya mengomen di sana dan yang marah sangat dengan saya ialah seorang medical Doctor. Masa itulah seorang insan baik hati yang mengenalkan dirinya sebagai Embun, menyapa mesra saya. Dari dunia maya persahabatan kami berpindah di dunia nyata.

Rupa-rupanya dia pun pembantu juga. aka kerani cabuk. Saya pembantu kira-kira, dia pembantu Bahasa. Saya sambung belajar, dia pun sambung juga di Negeri kelahiran dan tempat tinggal saya ketika itu. Saya sambung lagi begitu juga dia. Dari kerani, kami dinaikkan pangkat ke penolong pegawai, dan rezekinya lebih murah dari saya, baru-baru ini dia naik setakuk lagi kepada Pegawai Perancang Bahasa. Dia tidak berhenti belajar setakat Ijazah sahaja, tapi sudah juga selesai pengajian di peringkat Sarjana.

Sebulan sebelum dia naik pangkat dia menghubungi saya. Minta nasihat yang lebih kepada bertanya apa rasanya bila kena balun, bila orang kata kita tak layak. Saya heran juga, kenapa bertanya? Punya terkejut beruknya saya, rupa-rupanya that same medical Doctor, duduk berselisihan pendapat dengannya pula.

Saya nak cakap macam-mana ea. Just believe in yourself ajelahkan. Peduli apalah dengan that medical Doktor pun,kan. Walau betul dia lebih pandai dari kita, pun dia tetap tak boleh duduk atas kerusi kita. Tak ada kita kena buang kerja, dek kerana kita tak sependapat dengan dia atau dia lebih pandai dari kita. Betul cakap saya, sebab tak lama lepas tu kawan naik pangkat pula. Naik ke kerusi yang hebat. Kerusi yang saya sendiri pun terkejut macam manala kawan saya boleh ditengekkan ke situ? Itula orang kata rezeki yang tak tersangka. Iyalah dari kerani yang bakal jadi makcik-makcik marhaban jadi pemikir wanita mengemudi bahtera majalah paling berprestij Negara... uish tak hebatka, itu?

Gambar ini sekadar hiasan yang saya cuplik dari google
Tentang love-hate itu, ntah tak tahulah bagai mana penerimaan Medical Doktor dan rakan-rakan. Saya percaya tak lama lagi dia boleh terima kenyataannya kerusi itu milik kawan saya. Bagi kawan pula, mungkin ada sikit rasa resahlah. Honestly, saya at one point of my life memang ada rasa resah macam orang mencebik saya suruh pulang dan duduk rumah sahaja. Saya pernah paranoid orang pandang saya semacam dan saya dengar mereka bercakap dalam hati mereka begini “hoi orang gila,  apa jadah datang opis ni! Bukan tempat kau di Tanjung Rambutan, ka?” Saya fikir, satu aje Allah yang dudukkan di tempat itu pada masa itu. Saya ON aje. Lantaklah kalau ada orang nak kata saya tak layak.

Memang penjawat awam ni ramai orang tak puas hati dengan kami, apa? Duduk opis jual gelanglah, buat kenduri makan-makanlah, macam-macam kalau nak ditulis satu persatu pasal kerenah penjawat awan ini yang orang duduk jaja tidak puas hati. Yang penting saya pergi kerja dan tidak sibuk pasal orang lain. Orang lain nak kata tak layak, lantak dia,lah. Yang saya tahu, saya memasuki perkhidmatan awam dengan saluran yang betul. Saya mohon atas talian, saya melalui bukan satu proses saringan, dipanggil temuduga, ambil exam, sehingga dilantik dan disahkan ke jawatan sekarang ini. Jadi kalau betul ada orang rasa yang saya patut tinggal di Tanjung Rambutan, pun. Saya anggap itu semua sakit paranoid saya. Saya lupa makan ubat hihi.

If let say la betul ada orang tak puas hati dengan kita, pun anggap itu paranoid, saja,lah ya. Adatlah manusia ini, bukanlah senang hatinya untuk dipuaskan. Kita pun kadang-kadang ada banyak benda juga yang kita tak puas hati.

Tuesday, February 13, 2018

Ketemu kita kembali

Dah lama betul blog ini tidak berupdate, bukan sebab saya dah mati ka hapa. Tapi sebab komputer yang saya guna untuk menulis di sini sudah lama tak dapat eksess blogspot. Hari ini oklah pula.

Sepanjang ketidak-menulisan saya di sini tak ada banyak perkara besar berlaku pun, melainkan, saya sibuk meneruskan kuliah seperti biasa. Kawan-kawan pun biasa. Semua biasa-biasa saja bagi saya. Tak ada benda menarik yang berlaku, melainkan ada kawan mau mohon tips bagaimana saya kekal waras di sebalik penyakit saya.

Well saya ada tuliskan dalam tugasan master saya. Nanti-nanti kalau rajin saya upload lah essei sepanjang 4000 patah-perkataan itu.

Ok have a good day.

Sunday, October 1, 2017


Bila kita kena memilih antara 2, dan orang sekeliling kata pilihan kita tidak betul, kita sama ada boleh ikut kawan-kawan sekeliling kita atau terus dengan pilihan yang buruk sebab kita tak nak jadi lalang. Kita setia. 10 tahun dulu kita dah pilih itu, jadi itulah juga pilihan kita, dan kita mula merapik mencipta alasan kenapa nak terus pilih dia juga walau banyak bukti menunjukkan dia sangat tak bagus lagi merosakkan.

Maka merapik lah saya tentang bijan dan kacang. Kacang lebih tak bagus dari bijan. Kacang orang kata bisa dan boleh bawa gout. Kita pun tidurla dengan lena-selenanya dan kita tak ambil port dah apa orang nak kata, walau at the back of our mind, ada sebab yang lebih logical lebih nampak intelek kenapa pilih yang buruk itu juga. Kita malaslah nak bentang sebab kita, kerana perlukan pembuktian, sedangkan apa yang kita nampak cuma andai-andaian sahaja.

iya begitulah, begitulah apabila kita perlu membuat pilihan yang sukar dan semua kata pilihan kita itu tak betul.

Ok lah tulis sikit apa sebab yang intelek sangat tu pasal BIJAN? Kenapa bukan KACANG. Dua-dua pun sama biaya kempen pilihan-raya melalui ill gotten money. Cuma bila Kacang jadi seDAP, saya rasa ramai orang tak berapa fit untuk bersaing dengan keseDAPan yang akan disajikan nanti. if we are not too fit (bersedia mental dan fizikal) for benda-benda seDAP, kita akan binasa.

Itu antara alasan-alasan sahaja untuk terus setia. Saya patut tinggalkan Bijan sebenarnya, but I won't do that sebab kata sorang kawan saya, "once a blogger, always a blogger". Saya bermula dengan menyokong parti BIJAN, if BIJAN is too bad, saya berhentilah menulis all these nonsense. I will not going to write something to condemn BIJAN or glorifying KACANG seDAP. Itu meLALANG namanya,kan? Walau dalam politik, hari tu masak pakai minyak BIJAN, besok minyak Kacang itu biasa. Dan orang yang buat perangai macam itu orang besar-besar belaka, itu tidak ada masalah, dan aib sebenarnya. Lainlah dulu Kristian hari ini Islam, bila dah Islam cari makan pula dengan memburuk-burukkan Kristian dalam audience Islam. Cubalah kau kutuk Kristian dalam audience lama kau tu. Ada berani? hah itu isu besarlahkan. Politik ini tidaklah sampai pada tahap kepercayaan dan agama pun. Neraka atau Syurga tidak dilihat pada apa logo parti yang kau sertai, pun.

However, as a blogger, I always have another choice, yang feeling- feeling lebih mulia, iaitu memilih untuk DIAM, walau kau paranoid ada orang pekik kat kau dan paranoid yang kau baik sangat dan suara kau besar sangat "kemusnahan bermula bila orang baik enggan bersuara". Kau paranoid satu hari bila kemusnahan berlaku, kaulah orang baik itu yang enggan bersuara. Paranoid jak ni perasan besar dan berpengaruh ni. Paranoid aku ini penulis bermukjizat? hihihi.... lawak ajekan, dah mental tu mentallah macam mana bule bermukjizatlah pula. Joking. I don't have such paranoidlah. I don't feel guilty pun kalau tak mencarut-marah-maki-hamunkan siBIJAN dan koncu-koncunya itu. Do we really have penulis bermukjizat yang berperang melawan BIJAN jahat dengan akal minda jernih dan  tajam mata pena sampai BIJAN kalahhhh? If we have, the person is not me. I wrote to improve mental health conditionlah. Wrote as terapi minda can become mukjizat ka? Tulisan orang terapi nak kau guna untuk lawan BIJAN yang hebat tu?

Lagi pun saya bukan blogger profesional,pun,kan? Yang mana sumber pendapatan saya hanya dari memblog, mencacai mana-mana politikus tertentu, atau parti politik tertentu. Kalau begini memanglah kita boleh sekejap ke sana sekejap ke sini, mana tempat bagi kita pulangan yang lebih. Atau kalau kita ni baik sangat, bila kita rasa yang ini dah tak de benda baik mau kita cacai, hai dulu kan dah dapat duit berkepul-kepul, masuk ASB, duit devidend pun tak habis makan? Tak payahlah cari tuan baru, lepas tu bantai kaw-kaw team yang pernah bagi kau duit berkepuk tu. Baik duduk ajelah kampung jual nasi lemak, ka buat sikit-sikit bisness kerepek-kerepek, asal orang tak kata kita ni pemalas pun ok.

Itu blogger berbayar. Ini blogger penulis mencari ketenangan minda. Kalau team yang kita sokong dulu dah macam habis modal mau disokong, kalau disokong juga ada yang jadi bak orang kata "sokong bawa rebah",  lagi, baik cari cerita lain untuk ditulis, kan. Begitulah cerita dan keputusan saya. Saya ni setia dan tabah hadapi situasi-situasi yang tak menyenangkan. Hidup ini bukan semata-mata nak hidup sebagai winner aje,kan.

Actually life as a looser, pun life juga. Yang penting kita hargai kehidupan kita dan bersyukur bila diberikan kesempatan untuk hidup. Looser dalam topik politik, mungkin winner dalam topik lain, misalnya topik kesihatan mental, ka,kan? However team yang saya sokong belum tunjukkan tanda nak kalah ya. Saya yakin team ini akan diberikan mandat untuk memerintah atau ikut kamus kamu membuat onar dalam masa 5 tahun lagi. Insyaallah.

Thursday, September 28, 2017


hehehe lama saya tak bercerita pasal politik,kan? Tak ada benda nak cerita menarik nak dibincangkan pun,kan. Macam kita dah tau outcome, UMNo kalau tinggal nyawa-nyawa ikan, PAS akan selamat kan dia. Jadi apalah nak dikisahkan, dan cerita nya akan jadi sama. Orang kaya jadi-jadian yang kalau mengurus, overhead cost nya sangat berat, syarikat, organisasi jadi lembab, pembaziran, pemborosan, bla-bla itulah cerita yang akan kita baca dalam laporan Audit Negara,kan? but offcourse can we charge this as fraud? No we can't as it only fall under mismanagementlah aje tu. Where GOT fraud, kau memang, pandai-pandai buat cerita FITNA,iya?

Tapi kawan tak setuju dengan saya, dia rasa pulak, Uostad-oustajah politik Negara, derang bukan kisah, UMNo ka hapa ka, derang akan pilih dedak sapa paling seDAP. hah. ntah setau saya busuk-busuk orang Melayu, kami takkan sokong yang seberang sana tu. Tapi ntahlah kawan lebih banyak bercampur gaul ni, dialah lebih tahu dari saya. Jadi saya setujulah dengan kawan saya.

Saya tengok macam inilah pula, kalau kita ambil percaya pada Uostad ketagih dedak seDAP ni. Sekarang ini perang sebenarnya antara BIJAN dan mNut (KACANGm or Kacang). Dedak BIJAN ka atau dedak KACang yang akan dipilih kalau nanti keputusan PRU akan datang menghasilkan satu keadaan, tak ada mana-mana parti politik pun yang boleh bentuk kerajaan. Dalam erti kata lain BN gagal dapat simple Majority. Tapi saya rasa BN still can count on their kengkawan dari Sabah dan Sarawak. Don't worrylah kita takkan dapat tengoklah pertandingan dedak terseDAP ni.

ok sekarang ni kita analisa duit sapalah lebih banyak duit KACANG ka, duit BIJAN? Saya rasa duit KACANG lagi banyak, sebab ia KACANG seDAP, BIJAN? dia mengharap like I said, sokongan tak berbelah bagi dari kawan-kawannya yang lagi dua tu dalam Malaysia ini. Memang kalau nak ikut BIJAN banyak tak adil dengan kawan-kawan dia tu. Tapi kawan-kawan dia bodoh? tak lah bodoh, saya rasa KACANG seDAP lebih mengerikan dari BIJAN. Saya sendiri pun rasa begitu. Sebab BIJAN tak sedap dan orang kata minyak BIJAN atau BIJAN baik untuk kesihatan. Tapi KACANG seDAP memang sedap, tapi amiklah kau nanti jumpa doktor ada yang dia bagi kau lagi sebebab ubat-ubatan untuk kau telan. aiiiaiia aiiaiiii....itu saya punya kegilaan why i lagi takutkan KACANG seDAPlahkan. Kau orang? Manalah saya tau. Ikutlah suka hati kamu? Kenapa nak ikut orang lain?

Sebab tak kisahla KACANG seDAP ka, BIJAN ka yang menang, saya tetap macam ini juga. Tak ada berubahnya kalau dulu BIJAN, sekarang KACANG seDAP. Saya bukan macai BIJAN pun. Gaji saya bukan BIJAN yang bayar, tapi kerajaan Malaysia yang bayar.

Dan sebagai pesakit mental pulak, walau Team KACANG seDAP sangat menyantuni orang-orang mental ni, dan BIJAN ada very bad history dengan orang mental, gossip, fitna kata, bini tua BIJAN sakit gila meroyan, BIJAN cari bini lain, I am still gonna consume BIJAN instead of KACANG seDAP, sebab kalau kau makan KACANG seDAP banyak-banyak, yang berlemak-lemak masin tu, walau ada ubat mental paling baik di pasaran,pun dengan kau dahlah mental, ko kena pulak ambil ubat lain sebab darah tinggi, kolestorol sebab makan banyak masin, banyak lemak. Kalau kau ambil BIJAN, kemungkinan kesihatan kau lagi baik. Jadi tak payahlah telan ubat banyak-banyak jenis.

Bukannya apa, menelan ubat pelbagai jenis, ni kalau tak disiplin kau terlupa, bila terlupa kau akan jadi tambah stress, melainkan kau makan aje BIJAN, senang. Esok lusa saya akan kongsikan resipi BIJAN ringkas yang saya pelajari lama dulu dari office mate saya masa bekerja di Arthur Andersen yang dah bangkrap tu.

Tuesday, September 26, 2017


Saya selalu merasakan saya ini seorang yang risk adverse. Saya akan menjauhi risiko, tapi ntah mengapa tah over the last 10 years saya sudah ambil risiko yang amat besar. Saya ambil cuti belajar separuh gaji. Saya terima jawatan yang baru sedangkan saya sudah ada jawatan yang selesa dan mengembirakan hati.

Saya juga terus sambung belajar lagi hingga kini. Ini semua membahayakan kesihatan mental sahaja,kan. Orang sihat orang normal pun ramai belajar setakat biasa-biasa aje. Yang engkau tu yang berpenyakit sibuk nak belajar tinggi-tinggi tu apa kejadahnya,kan. Ntahlah saya buat saja. Kalau saya tak belajar nanti ada masa terluang terlalu banyaklah pula.

Belajar tu oklah, ini yang sibuk sangat nak GOT juga ini, dah kenapa? hehehe... ntahlah saya ni ikut-ikut kawan. Kawan saya amik 4 subjek saya pun amik juga. Saya takut kena tinggal. Sebab tu aje saya gamble begitu sekali. Hurmm macam itulah.

Begitulah dia kuatnya pengaruh kawan-kawan. Lepas tu serah ajelah ya sama Tuhan. Aduuhhh... sibuk saya watsap sana sini mohon kengkawan doa agar saya GOT. Lorat,kan? Biasalah tu bila orang penakut, orang risk adverse memang macam itu. Boleh dia rasa burn-out lagi bearable dari risk tertinggal kawan.

sebabnya saya rasa saya sudah familiar dengan risiko burn-out; tapi nak mula lagi sekali, nak cari kawan baru, nak cerita A-Z kenapa dah tua-tua baru terhegeh-hegeh nak belajar balik, aish, malaslah. Cukup dua-tiga kerat inilah,  kawan yang saya kena cerita semua sekali, pasal perjalanan-jauh-saya-pulang semula bergulat dengan kuliah dan buku-buku sekolah.

Wednesday, September 20, 2017

Anger; Jealousy

It is all about emotion, anger, jealousy. How about greed? I don't know, both of my friends are very kind and generous. Greed never seems to be in their vocabulary. Ok let named my friend Rita and Rina. Rina is the friend from my collage day and Rita is the current one, which currently my course mate in the university.

Rina told me she got problem with jealousy, while Rita said it is very hard to control her anger at times. Because of this Rita got problem with her career growth. Rina? When the time I met her she's done with this jealous jealous problem, because in my collage she is the best student. She is kind, she professional, her article even come out in the News Straits Times. Owh by the way, she also one of our best debater in collage debate team. Pendek kata she's awesome. Tapi masa dia kat sekolah dia dulu, banyaklah agaknya dia kena cemburu sana, cemburu sini, sekolahnya ramai murid hebat-hebat. Ada model iklan TV, ada ahli sukan wakil negara; resident artis RTM, hah punyalah hebat budak-budak sekolah dia, hurrmmm bila masuk kolej tempat kami belajar? ala, budak-budak yang dah suam-suam kuku jak kami ni, yang hebat dah ke mana tah. Jadi Rinalah yang paling hebat antara kami si suam-suam kuku ini.

. Bila bersama kami, emosi Rina sudah jauh matang dari saya. Bayangkanlah tulisannya sudah masuk Surat Khabar, saya? Tulis pun tunggang-langgang. Dia yang banyak galakkan saya membaca karya bahasa Ingggeris. Dialah yang memperkenalkan saya dengan Stephen Covey; dia juga kenalkan saya dengan Steinbeck; Mark Twain, tapi saya tak berapa sangat suka karya kreatif saya cuma jatuh cinta dengan buku "7 habbit of the most effective people" dan sukalah, bolehla juga dengan " the grape of Wrath" . Tapi terpaksa simpan dah baca ulang-ulang "the moking Bird Hill oleh Harper Lee sebab Rina kata this is the must read book! So Tarbiah sekular saya bermula di kolej, tika umur saya 19 tahun.

Saya jatuh cinta dengan idea "seek to understand" dalam Covey's  7 habits sebab masa tu itu  dan sampailah sekarang,pun saya ada masalah marah-marah. Jadi Rina adalah guru tak marah saya hehheeeeheee. buku 7 habbit tu panduan untuk kurangkan rasa marah. Saya juga belajar banyak benda dengan Rina dalam pengurusan emosi dan marah. Naqib; Naqibah ada juga beri ayat-ayat tahan marah, tapi saya rasa seek to understand punya kesan lagi long lasting. Once you dah faham you don't get mad that much. You do get angry; tapi taklah teruk sangat.

Being the one and only kid never let me feel the feeling of jealousy, until I guess I like Rina a lot and she start having a boyfriend. I guess to la mulanya kami renggang dan akhirnya putus begitu sahaja. I love her a lot and I feel the guy is not for her. Saya tak pastilah sama ada saya jealous atau marah sebab dia tak nak dengar saranan saya agar cari boyfriend yang sepadan, tak tahulah saya, agaknya bercampur-campur antara cemburu dan marahlah agaknya tu. Lalu kecewa sebab dia tak moh dengar nasihat saya.  Rina is very stubborn. Setelah bertahun bercinta akhirnya Rina kawen juga dengan jejaka yang sepadan, se IQ dengannya yang berbangsa Eropah. Warga Great Britain. Saya rasa dia malu nak jumpa saya sebab pasti lah saya akan menemplak dia dengan statement "see, I told u so, apa dah jadi dengan cinta setengah mati kamu?"

Tak kisahla apa puncanya, yang penting punca sebenar saya dah hilangkan alamat dia. Dia tinggal di PJ jerrr, parents dia lah. Saya boleh saja datang ke sana dan minta alamat terbarunya, tapi saya sudah hilangkan alamatnya. Jadi, bagaimana? Last saya bercakap dalam telefon, dia di Terengganu, tak pasti bersama Shell atau Harlliburton ka gitu? Saya telefon PJ, ayahnya angkat dan berikan nombor di Terengganu itu. Lepas itu dia tidak lagi berada di Terengganu, nombor telefonnya keluarganya di PJ pun saya sudah hilangkan, bagaimanalah saya mau berhubung dengannya lagi? Begitulah bagaimana persahabatan kami berakhir. Saya pun sudah berpindah ke Melaka. Jika dia cuba tulis surat ke alamat kampung seperti yang selalu, dia buat, pun tiada guna kerana saya sudah tidak tinggal di situ lagi.

Ok jom cerita pasal pengalaman mistik Rina... apa dia ceritakan pada saya, apa kesukaran dia. Nak cerita sekarang ka? besokla ya... or minggu hadapan, saya ada kerja nak buat ini.